


A Single Slat of Wood and Canvas

by capitalnineteen, Tangerine_Catnip



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Self-Destructive Behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 21:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16146302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capitalnineteen/pseuds/capitalnineteen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine_Catnip/pseuds/Tangerine_Catnip
Summary: After months of training, Lup fails to bring in her first solo reaper contract. She won’t tell anyone exactly what happened, even Barry.





	A Single Slat of Wood and Canvas

"Round 24. Beginning in 5…"

The purple crystals hovering all about the room suddenly flashed bright purple, sending out a wave of light.

Piles of broken bones that lay scattered across the concrete floor moved on their own, collecting themselves into piles. They began slowly piecing themselves back together until ten full skeletons were standing clustered together.

Most were human, but there were also a few orcs, a Dragonborn, a centaur, and one elven mage. Some had a little more flesh than others, but most were long reduced to bones and scraps of fabric.

"4… 3… 2… Go!"

Lup took a running start, lowering her scythe, so the blade swept across the ground. She closed in on the nearest skeletons and swept her blade up in a single clean motion, splitting two of the smaller humanoids in half at the waist. Lup leapt back, shooting a firebolt to stop any of the monsters catching her as she made her retreat.

Lup had performed that manoeuvre so many times she could do it in her sleep. The slash & blast was the best way to open any encounter with the undead and was one of the first techniques she had been taught.

But now she had used up the element of surprise, Lup would have to react to her opponents. The training program was carefully crafted to be unpredictable. It retained and utilised what it had learned about a reaper's stratagems between rounds. So no plan of attack would work twice.

The undead centaur reared back on its hind legs and charged Lup, brandishing a battle axe about twice the size of her whole body. Lup sidestepped and shot upwards, taking to the air with the ease of the bird. Her red cloak billowed out around her like wings.

The undead mage predicted that move and suddenly an eldritch blast was streaking towards her. Lup feinted, but there were too many beams of energy to dodge completely. One hit her in the shoulder sending her flying backwards. She collided with the far wall and hit the ground.

"Fuck!"

Lup forced herself up, clutching her shoulder. The sizeable blotchy bruise throbbed painfully, but it wasn't half as bad as the shame of falling for the same ruse twice.

Last time Lup had countered with a wall of fire to give herself a moment to recover, but she ran herself dry of magic energy about round 20. She should have paced herself better, but every time she burned a spell it had seemed necessary.

The Dragonborn closed in and lunged for her. Lup dove, pulling her arm out of range of those razor-sharp teeth. She shot a ray of frost and followed through with her scythe, shattering the Dragonborn into splitters.

The centaur attacked again. Lup swirled and threw up her scythe, catching its blade with her own. Lup expected it to pull back for another swing, giving her a chance to escape, but instead, he swung the axe sideways, sweeping Lup up like a polo ball and sending her flying across the room.

She hit the floor, bounced twice, then skittered to a halt at the feet of a humanoid skeleton swarm. As one, they descended upon her, scratching and biting. Lup tried to fight them off, but she had no room to swing her scythe and no magic to call upon. They were tearing at her skin and hair as if they might eat her alive.

"Reaper has been defeated. Resetting…"

The purple lights flashed again, and the skeleton monsters crumbled back into nothing but bones and dust.

Lup let out a choked breath, verging on a sob. She curled up into a ball, pulling her red robe around her and the hood over her head.

"Final score: 23. Personal best: 36. Better luck next time."

The voice faded out, leaving Lup alone in the training arena. Lup hadn't ended with a score that low since her first few months of being a reaper. At least both Barry and Kravitz were fast asleep back in the material plane and hadn't seen her toss this newest failure onto the pile.

Lup knew she should get healed/cleaned up and try to get home before Barry woke up and noticed the space in the bed next to him was empty… but laying on the floor and slowly bleeding out felt closer to what she deserved right now.

Lup closed her eyes. One more moment and she would get up... just one mo-

* * *

 

Barry woke with a start. His hand reached for the other side of the bed before he even knew who or where he was.

"Lup?" he asked the empty room.

Her side of the bed was cold. Barry was up and fumbling for his glasses in an instant, his heart pounding.

He struggled to keep his worry in check. He didn't want to overwhelm her with concern if he found her in the bathroom or kitchen. But he could feel that the house had the empty air it couldn't manage when someone as vital and vibrant as Lup was in it.

As soon as he stepped into the hall, he could see the bathroom door open, the room dark beyond it. He moved down the stairs quickly, worry coiling tighter in his chest.

"Lup?" he called again as he rounded the corner into the kitchen.

Barry reigned in his panic. Lup was an extremely capable person. Just because something terrible happened once didn't mean every time she disappeared without warning… Well, he could tell himself that all he wanted. His brain knew, but his heart wasn't listening.

Where would she have gone in the middle of the night? He toured the rest of the house just to be thorough, but he knew she wasn't there.

The first thing that sprung to mind was Lup's solo mission. After months going out of her way to prove her skills, the Raven Queen had finally allowed Lup to tackle a contract on her own. Then she'd come home tight-lipped and refusing to give any more details than the fact that her mission had ended badly.

The more he considered it, the more obvious it seemed. She'd been quiet on the subject instead of wanting to pick apart what had gone wrong and where improvement could be made. She'd pulled away when they went to bed, claimed she was too hot to cuddle.

He squashed the impulse to contact Taako and Kravitz and go into full 'Lup Is Missing' mode. He just needed to put aside the Barry thoughts and think like Lup.

Barry might not know the specifics of what happened on her mission, but he could guess that Lup's pride and confidence had taken a hit. And he could guess where she would go to try to reclaim both.

He summoned his scythe then paused. Should he give her some space to work things out on her own?

Decisively, he tore open a portal. Working things out on their own had never gone particularly well. He thought it might be time to start pushing her to talk, and not just about this one mission.

The training arena was dark. Barry had been confident he'd find her knee-deep in skeletons as she literally fought through her problems. But the program wasn't running. He nearly summoned another portal before his eyes caught a shape in the shadows that weren't bones or weapons.

"Lup!"

Barry vaulted down the steep arena wall without thinking, stumbling as he hit the ground. She didn't move in response to his yell or graceless crashing.

He arrived at her side in a moment. She was breathing, at least. Barry carefully examined her, gentle fingers pulled aside her robe. He cursed under his breath. She was a mess of fresh bruises and abrasions. The red wasn't just her robe.

He turned and summoned his chest from the demi-plane where it hid. He pulled out a healing potion and uncorked it. Carefully, so carefully, he tilted her head back and trickled it into her mouth. He'd spent decades learning magic from every school and discipline, but healing magic just didn't work in his hands.

Potions always worked if you could keep one close at hand, even in the Astral Plane.

Relief poured through him as she began to respond. She might be a lich and a reaper, but Lup broken and bleeding wasn't a sight he'd ever adjust to.

He wanted to scream or cry or just hold her close, but he forced himself to concentrate on getting her stable first. "I've got a few more of those if you need another." He didn't point out there was a whole rack of them on the other side of the arena.

Lup blinked slowly. She hadn't noticed when things had started to go a little blurry. Once the adrenaline wore off, exhaustion took hold, and she began to drift in the cold black space between consciousness and unconsciousness.

While not against the rules, it was highly discouraged for any reaper to train without a second to help them recover. It was too easy to do precisely what Lup had done and put off getting help until it was too late.

Lup blinked as Barry's anxious face swum into focus above her. She smiled and laughed, instantly regretting it as her body was wracked with an aftershock of pain. She grimaced and lay still a moment longer until the hot liquid sliding down her throat took hold.

"Hey, babe… what-?"

Lup turned to look around. Her confusion slowly lessened as she remembered where she was and why.

"Oh, shit. Guess I'm busted..."

Lup licked her lips and closed her eyes. She still felt beat up, but most of that was fatigue, and no healing potion could fix that.

"Maybe a bit more..." Lup admitted.

She sat up slowly, not wanting the blood to rush from her head.

"The centaur scooped me and slammed me against a wall… have you ever seen it do that? That must be cheating, it's picking on me because I'm smaller than the other reapers. I know it."

Barry grabbed another potion and handed it to her. To avoid anxiously watching over her, he busied himself with straightening the items in his chest while she drank it. Some of this stuff had been in there a really long time. He banished the chest back to the demi space and settled facing her.

"I haven't seen it do that, but it seems like something a bounty might try," he pointed out. "Anything the program comes up with could be a possibility." He kept his voice neutral, not wanting to lecture her. She already knew this anyway.

Lup was already talking a big game again, but now her body was starting to seem more in line with her attitude. Still exhausted though, that was clear. Dammit. He wanted to talk to her, but it seemed unfair while she was so wiped out. But once her defences were back, it might be nearly impossible. He'd have to play it by ear.

"Come on, hot stuff, let's get you home for some rest." He squinted at her and considered. "Actually, some food, first, I think." He didn't add that he'd noticed she hadn't eaten anything at dinner. Just served herself less than usual and pushed it around to make it look like leftovers.

"I think even I can manage french toast that's more than edible," he joked.

Lup nodded and let him pull her to her feet. She leaned heavily on his shoulder. One good thing about having utterly wiped herself out was that the nervous tension that had made her shrug off contact with her partner had gone as well. She wrapped her arm around his waist and nuzzled into his shoulder.

"Whatever you want, Dr Bluejeans. Lead the way."

Lup moved as much as she needed for him to use his scythe to tear them a portal back to their living room. Once there, Lup gently eased herself off him and dropped heavily onto the sofa. She felt like she could pass out right there, but she didn't want to interfere with Barry's plans. After the stunt she just pulled, she owed him a little cooperation.

The living room and kitchen were connected by a half-wall of counter space. Being able to talk to guests while cooking was a home-buying must for both Lup and her brother. A line of stools sat just across from the cook-top, but Lup didn't think she had it in her to sit up at the moment.

She flopped her body over the backrest of the sofa and rested her chin on it, so she could watch Barry cook.

"Don't forget to use fresh nutmeg, Gummy Bear. The grater is on the bottom shelf of the spice cupboard."

Barry laughed, feeling a lot calmer now that she was home and safe and talking. "Just like you showed me, I promise."

He bustled around the kitchen, gathering the necessary ingredients before he started. Lup and Taako could move so fluidly when they cooked, bounce from one task to the next and keep it all straight in their heads perfectly. Barry had to be more studious about it. But after decades around the twins, he could handle making a few meals they'd eat without too much complaint.

"So, why the sudden and urgent need to train?" Barry asked lightly as he got the frying pan heating. "I'd have come to be your second, you know." He really wanted to drive this point home. Yes, between being a reaper and being a lich, she'd have been fine. But that wasn't the point. "Anything, anytime, anywhere, Lup, okay?" He looked at her over the counter, wanting to underline those words and make sure they went all the way into the core of her.

He looked down to where his hands braced on the counter to keep them from shaking. "Do you want bacon?" he asked suddenly, seeking distraction. "I think I need some bacon. Don't worry, I'll do it in the oven, so I don't burn it like last time. I know what a tragedy ruined bacon is." He turned on the oven and went to the fridge for the bacon.

Lup stared down at the floor and crossed her arms above the backrest so she could hide behind them. Sometimes she wished Barry was the type to yell. She could handle screaming, but quiet and disappointed could cut to her heart. "I wanted it to be a surprise, even for you. If I hit a new high score that's all anyone would be talking about tomorrow…"

A low growling sound emanated from Lup's tummy. The talk of food had jarred her body into making its needs heard. Lup scoffed at it and mentally told it to shut up. She didn't need any side commentary from unruly body parts.

"I really thought I could do it, babe. I wanted it more than I ever have, and I always hit my best if it comes down to the clutch."

Lup swallowed. None of those were the words she should be saying.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Barry. If you want to be mad at me, you deserve to be mad. I don't know how this keeps happening. Every time I promise I won't leave without telling you where I'm going I swear I mean it. But then when it's game time I always tell myself I'll be back before you'd notice."

Barry put the bacon on the counter and looked at her. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn't want to make this about his feelings because it wasn't. But he had to explain this. "Lup, I'm not mad. I completely understand… or I probably would if I had all the parts. But I'm not mad." He looked down at the white papered bundle of bacon, suddenly too sick to even consider food. "I was just scared."

Even if he didn't feel like it, getting some sustenance into Lup would help them both. He laid the bacon out end to end on a baking sheet then put them in the oven to cook. It wasn't fully preheated yet, but he figured it was close enough.

After washing his hands, he cut a loaf of bread into thick slices and dunked them in the egg mixture, then dropped them into the pan. He turned the heat down a bit lower than necessary since he knew his attention wouldn't be great for getting the toast finished without burning it.

"Lup, I don't want to push you but…" He looked up at her. "I need you to talk to me, okay? I'm not saying ask permission to go out," he quickly added. "I'm just… I want to be able to catch you when you fall, not scrape you up when I find you."

Lup smiled bitterly and murmured, "You fell off the deck of the ship as many times as I did…"

She turned away and glanced down the hallway towards their bedroom. None of the other lights in the house were on, so she was just staring into the darkness.

"I'm sorry I made you worry. It's over now anyway. I can't prove my worth in the arena, and the RQ won't be giving me another shot in this decade. It's time to suck it up and admit I'm just not ready to be an elite reaper."

Lup took a breath in and was surprised to find it came as a sob.

"I fought off the motherfucking apocalypse, but I can't handle one baby necromancer making masked horrors in his basement..."

Lup was still staring at nothing when her eyes started to water. She fought to hold them back, but she was too tired and had to settle for letting them slide silently down her cheeks.

Barry was flipping the toast when he realised she was crying. He turned the burner down again, so it was barely a flame at all and circled around to the couch.

"Hey," he said. Barry sat beside her and pulled her into his arms. "Those are different things, babe."

"Lup, I know you don't…" He paused and switched tactics. "Look, I'm the most famous necromancer in however many planes the voidfish song went out to, a reaper for the Raven Queen, and somehow with the most amazing woman who ever existed. But forty per cent of the time? I burn the fucking toast." He brushed a strand of hair back from her face. "Okay, fifty per cent of the time. But it used to be every time plus we had to throw out the pan."

"I hate to break it to you after all these years, but even you can't get everything perfect the first time."

Lup accepted his hug and squeezed him back so tightly she almost crushed the air from his chest. She laughed at his example and leaned in to kiss him. She sat back and brushed her tears away with the back of her hand.

"But being perfect is what I do, bear. I don't… I don't make mistakes. When I make mistakes it's not burnt toast, it's burnt people. A lot of burnt people."

Lup swallowed hard.

"If… if my target kills someone before we can track him down again. It'll be my fault."

Barry's reaction was instant and vehement. "Lup? Darling? Light of my life and… non-life and everything in between?  _Fuck that._ If he kills someone, it's because he did it."

He let that thought go and spread his hands in apology. It was pointless. They'd all circled around the deaths to their relics and the cycles when they'd failed to find the light and all the other casualties and miseries that could be traced to them in one way or another. There was no answer there, easy or otherwise. It was simple to feel that way for her and still make himself sick over the people who had never left Wonderland.

Lup listened quietly, they'd trod this ground so many times, but it never seemed to get any better. It was cute to see Barry get so invested though. Lup would bet that he'd punch her guilt in the face if he could.

"Do you know how long Kravitz has been doing this?" Barry asked. "Because not even he remembers. Not exactly. And after all that time he couldn't manage to collect Lucas  _freaking_  Miller. Granted some of that was because he was too busy looking at your brother. But still. That's after hundreds of years doing this."

He crooked a finger under her chin and gently pushed her to look at him. "Lup, you can't be perfect. You can't hold yourself to that standard. It's impossible. You do your best. And your best is better than a whole lot. But all this? You're tearing yourself apart."

Lup nodded. The reminder helped a little bit, even if she didn't entirely agree. Taako could be a force of nature, especially if you were trying to get something important done when he was in the room. In Kravitz's place, even she would be helpless against the general fuckery caused by the horny boys.

Barry kissed her forehead and returned to the kitchen to check the toast. It was a little more done than he'd have liked but far from burnt. He transferred it to a plate and asked, "Do you feel like syrup or powdered sugar? And before you ask, no, there isn't any of the fruit compote left. Magnus wiped that out last time he was here."

He grabbed a fork and a napkin and stuck them on a tray with the syrup and a dish of powdered sugar. The bacon was cooked, though not as crisp as he preferred. He picked out the best of the slices and added them to the plate. It wasn't the beautiful presentation of a perfectly cooked meal that she or Taako could have managed, but he'd settle for getting food in her. He poured a glass of juice and brought it all around the counter into the living room.

When the tray was on one end of the coffee table, he sat down on the other end and faced her.

"Will you tell me what happened? Maybe we can figure out what to work on for next time."

Lup pulled her plate into her lap. She put a little syrup on top and sliced off a bit of the toast with the side of her fork. After she'd taken her first bite, her hunger hit her like a truck, and she basically inhaled the rest.

Forty seconds later Lup placed her plate down and glanced guiltily at Barry.

"That was really good! Uh... I definitely I tasted it at the end there."

She took a long pull from her glass of juice. Using the moment to decide what to do.

Barry looked down at his hands and realised he was twisting them tightly together, the knuckles white. He forced himself to relax his fingers. Watching her eat had helped. He was glad he'd suggested it, more glad that she'd listened. Otherwise, they'd have probably been in bed with her still pretending everything was fine. She claimed the food was 'really good' which was undoubtedly her buying herself some space, but he didn't call her on it.

Lup knew there was a safe version of the story. The one she had told the Raven Queen. She had wanted to avoid discussing it with Barry since it would be all too easy for him to see through her half-truths. She couldn't keep telling him nothing, though. Not if he was directly asking her.

"I had the dick-face cornered, and I was giving him one last chance to come willingly. He had... a weapon. He pointed it at me, and I thought… I thought it looked like a dangerous magical artefact. I didn't want it to go off and cause collateral damage, so I backed off. He got away before I could find a way to disarm him..."

Barry watched her pull in on herself, arms wrapped around her legs. He wanted to comfort her but was afraid to break the spell that had finally loosened her lips.

"He dropped it on his way out," Lup finished. "And it... wasn't an artefact. Not even magic. I fell hook, line, and sinker for his ruse, like a total schmuck."

Barry heard the hesitation in her speech. It was like a giant glowing arrow pointing to the source of the problem.

He wasn't sure what to do. Comfort her or let her have her space? Push her or work with what she'd given him first? He scrubbed his hand on his jaw and realised he was doing precisely what he'd just told her not to do. He couldn't handle it perfectly, he had to do the best he could.

He moved back beside her on the couch and pulled her into his lap. Lup let out the breath she was holding. It was easy to abandon her defensive posture when she was sitting in Barry's lap. She adjusted, so her thighs were on either side of his and clutched him to her chest just as tightly as she had held her legs.

Barry hummed reassuringly to her. He didn't like how scared she still was but knowing she felt reassured clinging to him was a relief. It was hard to admit even to himself, but her distance when they went to bed had given volume to that anxious voice in the back of his head that wondered if so much time apart had done something to what they had.

He rubbed his chin on her head gently, the soft feel of her hair a reassurance that she was safe even if she was scared, that she was here even if he was worried.

"So, what did you think he had?" Barry asked softly.

Lup's right ear flicked. She was caught out now. Lup knew she should just tell him. Barry would understand, Barry always understood. He wouldn't laugh at her or be disappointed in her. She could feel the gentle tug from the invisible bond they'd built together, one among others that had propelled them through space for a century.

But, she couldn't. She didn't want to go back to that moment when she was paralysed and couldn't breathe. That person hadn't been her. It couldn't have been. Everyone knew Lup wasn't scared of anything. Especially not the past.

"A staff. I thought he had a staff," Lup murmured into his sternum.

That was her last inch of space left before she had to face the truth.

Barry let her words hang in the air for a moment. Should he keep pushing or accept her answer? He closed his eyes and instantly the image of her on the floor of the training arena appeared.

Lup started to tremble. She tried clinging tighter to Barry, but she couldn't make herself stop shaking. Reflexively, Barry did this same, his arms wrapping tightly around her. It was like she was dangling from a cliff, and he wanted to pull her up, but first, he had to pry her fingers off the edge.

"A staff?" he asked, still confused. That missing piece feeling was getting louder. "What kind of staff would…"

Barry hissed out a sharp breath and clung to her harder. He began rocking her gently before he was even aware of it. All he could picture was Taako standing in Lucas's lab with her umbrella. "Oh, fuck, Lup…" he managed, his voice catching.

Lup broke down. Her shaking turned into sobbing, and fat tears gathered in her eyes and soaked into Barry's shirt. Has she been anywhere else Lup would have tried to stop herself, but if there was one place in the cosmos where she was safe to cry, it was in Barry's arms.

"It… it was in a pot by a fucking hat stand! I knew it wasn't! I knew! But I couldn't move, I was so scared, and I couldn't remember any spells…"

Lup hiccupped and cried out, muffling herself with Barry's shoulder.

"And he.. he said… not to take another step or he'd trap me inside of it, and the walls started closing in, and I was back there, clawing at the curtains, and I was alone, and you'd never find me, and I couldn't even sense Taako there anymore and-"

Lup broke off, she'd run out of breath. She took serval long pulls, but instead of calming her down, they just made her heart race faster. "Then when I came back, he was gone."

Lup blinked rapidly, trying to end it as quickly as possible, but the tears just kept coming.

"The worst part is, because of the song, everyone knows what happened to me. If he could figure it out, then anyone can. If all it takes is waving a-"

Lup swallowed, dodging even saying the word.

"I'm done for. The Raven Queen will throw me out if she finds out what really happened… how can she trust me if I just...break."

Barry just held her and rocked her and rubbed her back, letting her get it out. Just the thought of it made him sick, and he hadn't been the one trapped in an umbrella for over a decade.

"Lup," he murmured, "you are  _not_  broken, you didn't break." He pulled back just enough to look in her eyes, keeping his arms around her as if she might disappear right in front of him. "You're here, you're safe. You faced a thing that tortured you for  _eleven years_ , and you froze. For a  _moment."_  He shook his head and his mouth curved upward gently. "Stop being so hard on yourself for just a second and think about that. Remember that spider that bit Magnus...what was it? Cycle 13? 14? His arm swelled up, and he was miserable for a week, and then he was fine. A hundred years later, he still turns white if you say the word spider. And that's a totally fair reaction!"

He pulled her to his chest again, tucked a trio of kisses into her hair as he gathered his words. "Since it happened, since you got out, we haven't really talked about it. But, Lup? It was a big and awful thing that you went through. You are allowed to have reactions to it. I'd worry more if you  _didn't_  have a reaction to something like that."

Lup whined softly and squeezed her eyes shut. "But I was fine! I thought I was fine! Taako found me, and I was watching out for him, protecting him. I knew he'd figure it out and let me out, and he did!"

Suddenly Lup felt suffocated, having Barry's arms around her. She shoved him back without fully realising what she was doing. She scrambled over to the far side of the sofa, still crying and shaking.

She regretted it instantly, she felt ten times worse without his comforting touch.

"It was over! It was  **supposed**  to be over! Why do I have to keep going back there?!"

Lup blinked, suddenly realising she was screaming at Barry. He didn't deserve to be shouted at. She tried to reign it in, but she was too deep into the pit now, and fighting made her sink faster.

"This isn't like Magnus and spiders. He can get over it if he has too, but I… I'm trapped."

"You aren't trapped," he reminded her. His voice was calm. "You're here, you're safe."

He shifted, turned sideways to face her, so they were still connected, but she had her space. In his lap, his hands were open, reassuring her he was right here whenever she wanted.

"Lup," he said softly, "you weren't fine."

"You survived, you persevered, and yes, you helped so much, did so much to keep the boys safe. You survived," he repeated, "but you weren't fine."

"But you will be. We know the problem, and we can work on it." He reached his hand towards hers, "Together."

"Barry..."

Lup moved to take his hand but when her fingers were inches away from his, a thought suddenly came crashing down, and she jerked away.

"I made it. I did it to myself. Why didn't I realise what I made? It's my fault."

She looked up at him, suddenly guilty on top of her fear and panic.

"It didn't just trap me. It took me away from you. You spent all that time looking for me because I thought a staff that ate other staffs was fucking funny!"

Lup grabbed two big handfuls of her hair and tugged on them, it hurt, but the pain helped drive back the closing darkness.

"That decade on your own was all my fault. H-how can I ever make up for that?"

Barry reached for her again, and this time he didn't let her pull away. He wanted to wrap her in his arms again, but he settled for gently removing one hand from her hair and surrounding it with both of his.

"It wasn't your fault. There's nothing to make up for. You didn't choose to … you didn't choose any of that." Barry took a deep breath and let it out again, tried to release the terrible thoughts that tried to gain ground.

"There were so many mistakes. I shouldn't have let you deal with things for so long on your own. If I hadn't… If I hadn't made you feel like you were all alone every time the relic reports came in, then things would have gone differently. If I'd figured it out sooner, then maybe… If, if, if. But that stuff's over and done. We can't change how it went."

He rubbed his thumbs over the back of her hand. The words he wanted to say all sounded wrong somehow, not good enough to convey the reassurance and promise he meant. Every version of the sentence he came up with sounded heavy and claustrophobic instead of warm and supportive. Barry pushed the second-guessing aside and forged forward.

"We can change now. We can change tomorrow. I can do my best to make sure you know that… Lup, you don't have to be alone in any of this."

"I don't want to take away your independence or … do you know what I mean?"

Lup swallowed hard. She was reaching the end of her tether after fruitlessly chasing her thoughts for so long. Barry was right, she knew he was right, but she was too caught up in her fear to hear what he had been saying. She sucked in a breath and rubbed her eyes. It was wasted effort, there was no stemming the tide without trying to swim.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so."

Lup sniffled and crawled back over to Barry. She felt so weak that her first instinct was to just wrap her arms around his middle and lay with her upper body in his lap.

"Barry, Barry…"

She repeated his name over and over. Like she was trying to reassure herself that he was right there with her.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm such a fucking mess. I can't hide it anymore..."

For a while, Barry just held her, stroked her hair, let their closeness do the talking for him. He kept his breathing steady and calm while his hand moved through her hair in the same rhythm.

"You're a lot of things, but a mess isn't one of them. It feels enormous now because you're in the middle of it." Distracted by his thoughts, he traced her ear lightly with his finger. His finger drifted to smooth the lines on her forehead then delicately traced along her eyebrow. He realised what he was doing and went back to stroking her hair.

"I know I can't argue this stuff away. You went through something, and it's caught up to you. That can't be rationalised away any more than I could argue the clouds out of the sky."

Barry gave her one of those sweet, fond smiles that were reserved for no one in the multiverse but her. "I think you're just gonna have to trust me on this, Lup."

"O-okay…"

Lup nodded and sat up, a little embarrassed by how she was clinging to Barry now she had some of her sense back. She settled in next to him properly, folding her legs over his.

"If I can do anything right, its trusting you, babe." Lup tried smiling back at him, but hers still looked a little forced. "It's only fair, right? You trusted me enough to go jumping off the side of the moon."

Lup kissed him on the cheek then asked, "Do you have a plan? I think we can agree mine was shit."

"I think I do, actually." Barry said. "It's not going to be easy, but I think… Look, you were on the right track. I think the training arena can help."

He caught her hands as he pushed through the sentence. If they were going to do this, they'd have to deal with being able to say the word as well as confront versions of the object. "What if we adjust the training program to add in an umbrella?"

Lup flinched and grit her teeth. This was beyond embarrassing.

"Listen," Barry murmured soothingly. "We start small and slow, in a controlled environment. Not pushing for high scores. You go in knowing to expect it. And you go in with a second ready to stop it and get a health pot in you."

Lup nodded slowly. She could see sense in it. Anything was better than being afraid of a damn accessory for the rest of her life.

"We'll have to do it when it's empty. I don't want anyone else to see me like that…" Lup squeezed his hands back and fitted their fingers together. "I won't go alone. I promise."

Lup met Barry's eyes, and she asked the other question that had been eating her up. "Do we have to tell Kravitz and the Raven Queen?"

He considered it for a moment before he answered. "Lup, I wish I could say no. But I think we need to." He took a deep breath. "This isn't just you and me. We're part of something bigger, and we need to act like it. Taking us on they both put their trust in us. We need to respect that trust. But we'll be going to them with a plan for dealing with this."

Barry looked down at their twined fingers. He'd held her hand just like that before they had torn their magical essence from their bodies to become liches. Not telling anyone about that plan until the last moment hadn't worked out well in the end for anyone.

"And like you said, our enemies already know. Certainly, Kravitz and the Raven Queen deserve to have the information as well." He curled his fingers with hers. "I think they'll both understand."

Lup swallowed. "Alright. But only if you promise to hold my hand when we go to talk to them." She grinned like she was making a joke, but the crack in her voice gave her away.

Both her ears drooped. The tears on her cheeks had dried up, and some of the colour had returned to her face.

"Always, Lup," Barry promised, kissing her forehead. "Try and stop me."

Lup moved her hand to the back of his neck and pulled him down for a warm kiss on the lips.

She let it linger, drinking him in like he was the life force powering her very being. Which, in a technical lich-based sense, he was.

"I love you," Lup breathed between going for seconds and thirds. She climbed into his lap, taking up the pose more suited to making out than the desperate clinging from before.

Lup cupped his cheeks in both her hands and took a moment to take in the familiar sight of him there with her.

"Anyone else would have lost their patience with me, you know? You're always saying how you're the lucky one, and yeah, you are, just look at me, but I'm pretty fucking lucky too..."

Barry's hands found her hips and clung to her, this time not from worry or to give comfort. This time it was love and lust and greed and so much pleasure.

"We both got so lucky," he agreed, before returning his lips to hers. "I don't know how…" he whispered before kissing her again, long and languid. "but I'm so glad."

"And I love you forever," he said before he nipped her bottom lip lightly with his teeth. "But I swear if you sneak out of bed like that again I'm going to start tying you in at night," he teased.

Lup shivered. The movement seemed like her shaking from earlier, but the energy was very different. It felt a little strange to end this night of worry and pain with a familiar warmth between her legs and a longing ache in her lower tummy.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," Lup murmured. "It might help? Being trapped doesn't scare me if you're the one doing the trapping, babe."

Lup took one of his hands and arranged herself, so he was holding both her wrists, palms together. She rocked her hips a little bit, desperate for some friction.

"That makes sense, right? I can't be horny and scared? You should tie me up and spank me with…."

Lup felt the word die in her mouth. She fixed her gaze on Barry, filling her thoughts with him and nothing else.

"...an umbrella."

Barry kissed her again, putting everything that couldn't be put into words into the press of lips and tongues and his hand wound in her hair.

When he released her, he was breathless and smiling, voracious in a way he'd never expected when he woke up alone and full of dread. "I love you so much and, Lup, I'm so proud of you," he told her, risking breaking the mood but needing to say it.

"Now can we move this to the bedroom so I can show you properly?"


End file.
